How I Birthed You First Now
I had a perfect life, at least that was my perception. I was married to the man of my dreams, I got pregnant immediately after trying, I had the healthiest pregnancy, I had so much energy, and kept a great figure. I even held my baby in for an hour and a half during natural childbirth because I was playing superwoman waiting for my husband to show up from his work trip in the Bahamas. He made it “just in time” and the baby came out in eight minutes. I felt like I was on top of the world. The natural high compared to nothing I’d ever felt before. I was ready to bring my baby home to the house that we worked hard to prepare and everything was exactly the way I wanted it to be.
That was until I walked over the threshold with my baby, and the walls of my house which were all painted different bright colors (like the highlighter pack) were turning black in my perception and the house became my coffin. My anxiety spiked, OCD took a whole other turn, and out-of-control feelings quickly turned to rage.
I adopted drinking coffee and kicked in high gear toward a relapse into exercise addiction and food restriction. My daily, sometimes twice, 6-mile run was my only saving grace at that point to keep me “feeling sane.” The more I ran the less I yelled at my baby.
My husband left for another job trip, which was common in the life we signed up for together. Being left alone with a newborn was no joke in the condition that I was in. I was full of RAGE and unapproachable, and people who loved me were very afraid of me. On top of that, my Rottweiler Rosie of 16 years needed to be put down! I was untreated professionally for three years and it wasn’t until my guru woke me up that I received help.
WHO was my guru, you ask?…my 3-year-old son (who is now 13 years old!).
It was a typical scenario, my husband was out of town, I was starving, overworked, tired, and pissed off [at my son.] I screamed at him for something, I can’t remember what, but I told him to go to his room until mommy calmed down. I was a rage monster, but I always knew to remove myself from the situation before it got out of hand. I never wanted to physically hurt him and I never did. Thank God.
After a couple of deep breaths and a five-minute pep talk to myself, I knew I had to go back into my son's room and be a "good mom." I sat down on the bed with him. He sat up and I started explaining, “I don’t like the way that I’m acting. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was feeling frustrated!”
(because I’m a therapist, I have to model talking about my feelings ya know).
The moment I said I was feeling frustrated, he looked at me with his big blue cherub eyes, so pure and loving. He said, “Mommy when you feel frustrated you need to take a step back and ask for help.”
To this day, it’s the best advice I have ever received.
So here we are, I semi-got my act together and You First Now was born. The basic premise is a self-care umbrella that covers a lot of other female issues including eating disorders, fitness and nutrition, perinatal and postpartum mental health, and all of it is self-care. You First Now is an integrative approach, treating the person from the inside out through cognitive behavioral therapies, NeuroLinguistic Programming, which is a fancy way of saying “how we speak to ourselves”, and self-care, which can not be underestimated just getting your nails done and wearing fancy clothes.
I have made it my mission to make sure moms know they have a tribe they can count on. Thanks to Postpartum Support International, they have provided a deep vault of information and connection for moms experiencing symptoms like I did. Since 2020, I have been certified by PSI as a perinatal/postpartum mental health counselor, a regulated certification for already licensed mental health professionals.
In 2023, we expanded our office space and added a workshop area for moms to learn, connect, and grow with other mothers. Our in-house doula, Victoria Rose, leads a donation-based walk every other Monday.
We continue to give back to the community and dedicate service to our local non-profit, Healthy Mothers Healthy Babies of Palm Beach County.
I wish I had the support, resources, and knowledge to know there was help out there. However, my experience led me to the most honorable work there is, to care for a mother, to help her fill her cup so that her child gets the best of her instead of what is left of her.
For amazing resources please check out the links below. Do not suffer in silence and alone. You are important and the world needs your miraculous self!
Sending love to your heart from mine,
Elizabeth